Q: I’m a 21-year-old female in the midst of a break up (I guess). Me and my BF have been together almost two years—he’s 22. Just recently we got into it and I barked on him because I wanted him to spend my birthday with me. Instead, he went to the retirement party of some lady at his job.
Needless to say I didn’t spend my 21st birthday with him and he said he wanted to take a break. I was cool with it at first (it’s been three weeks). Now prior to this argument we had problems; I always felt he put me on the back burner for things that are not important, such as friends, sports and smoking. While he feels that I’m too clingy, insecure (ugh, I dread this word) and he says I act too much like his mother.
Every time we hit a hardship—whether in the relationship or in our own personal life—he’s always trying to call it quits, and I’m always there trying to salvage it and make things work. I’m all about compromise and working things out, though, at times, I can be bossy and bitchy, but on the flip side I got his back no matter what.
I’ve never cheated or lied about anything the whole time we were together. At first I said "F him, I don’t even want to be with him," but now I’m having a change of heart. He’s very nonchalant and I so hate that because it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or this relationship. Any advice for a broken-hearted 21-year-old?
A: A relationship can't work with one person and from what you wrote it sounds like you were the only one trying to make it work. I'll assume y’all are broken up by now and if so it may be for the best. In all honestly, the relationship sounded emotionally abusive. Too much arguing and fighting and not enough communication and love. The latter are the foundations of a healthy relationship.
I never get why couples who clearly have different views on what the relationship should be always break up only to get back together again and again... and again. It creates an unhealthy cycle that does neither person any good. Some people just don't belong together—plain and simple.I had a tumultuous relationship before that went back and forth for years. Yeah, we had good moments (and the sex was amazing) but more times than not I remember the bad times and if you have more bad memories than good ones then you're just wasting your time. No relationship is easy but it should never feel like combat where y'all are always fighting, arguing and breaking up.
People usually break up for a reason and if it happens constantly that reason is likely very valid. So there's no need dragging out a doomed relationship just to say you have a relationship. Both of you would be better off back in the single dating pool looking for someone that's more compatible. Because clearly y'all together does not work and likely never will or would have.
While everyone should have their own personal space and time in a relationship if you're always second fiddle to friends, sports, work etc. it’s unlikely you'll ever be a priority in that man's life. Keep it moving and find someone who will appreciate spending time with the woman he claims to love. If you feel you deserve better go out and get someone better.
Happy belated birthday and good luck.
Have you ever been in a one-sided relationship? If so, how long did it take you to realize it wasn’t healthy? Would you break up with someone who blew off your birthday to attend a work event? Have you ever been in a relationship that was always off and on? Why did you keep going back? Do you think a one-sided relationship can ever work? What additional advice would you give this young woman? Should she stay or leave this relationship?
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